


Unbowed

by CitizenNumber1



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-25 08:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12032247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitizenNumber1/pseuds/CitizenNumber1
Summary: Shepard is known for her indomitable will and ability to withstand immeasurable pressure. That doesn't mean it was always easy.





	1. Prologue

Vancouver, Earth 2177

Anderson stood at the window, watching the young marine struggling to walk on her newly repaired leg, sweat sticking her hair to her face as she clutched at the rails. She stumbled and fell onto an elbow and he held his breath unconsciously, then chuckled as she scowled and pulled herself straight back up again. He turned as he heard footsteps approach, and snapped to attention when he saw who it was. “Sir,” he said as he executed a relaxed but regulation salute.

“At ease, Commander,” Admiral Hackett said as he stepped up beside him, and Anderson handed him a dossier before turning back to the window. 

“So, this is the one you wanted to see me about?” the Admiral rumbled as he watched the marine continue her rehab.

“Yes sir. Second Lieutenant Shepard, sole survivor of the mess on Akuze.”

Hackett whistled softly, watching Shepard with intense interest, before flipping open the dossier. “Age 23, enlisted at 18 on Earth. No family, recent officer cadet graduate, engineering stream.” He looked at Anderson, then back at Shepard, now on her fourth lap of the bars. “She’s an engineer?”

“Yes, sir, and from the looks of her technical scores, one of the best we’ve seen. She’s already written new omni-tool code that has sped up cooldowns for everyone using the savant model by 3%.”

The admiral raised his eyebrows. “Impressive. Combat proficiency?”

“Developing into a strong tactician. Excels in small team tactics, scouts then directs the team in.” Anderson chuckled. “They’ve assigned her callsign ‘Maestro’, saying she doesn’t fight battles, she conducts them. Still a bit green, but a solid start.”

“And then Akuze happened.”

“Yes, sir. Honestly, I don’t know how she made it back. I came down in the second shuttle. It was a bloodbath. She was stuck down there for days…” 

Anderson slipped into the memory of stepping off the shuttle. The hot air blowing across his face, carrying the smell of death with it. The hairs on his neck stood on end just remembering. He shook himself. 

“Her rehab is progressing well. She had burns from the thresher maw venom, a broken jaw and cheekbone, the left leg was crushed from just above the knee down, plus cuts and scrapes, and severe dehydration. She was delirious when we found her, but it looked like she had dragged herself about 3 clicks to get to the landing zone.” He motioned to her progress on the bars. “She’s recovering well. The leg was the worst of it, but she’s working that off faster than we expected as well.”

Hackett didn’t respond straight away, instead watching Shepard intently again, the bunching muscle at his jaw the only giveaway to his reaction. “So, you’re looking for an honourable discharge on medical grounds?”

Anderson looked up, surprised. “Uh, no sir. She’ll have no permanent physical effects. I actually want her in the N program.”

It was Hackett’s turn to look surprised. “After all that you just listed? What about the mental effects? No soldier is walking away from an incident like that unscathed.”

Anderson nodded. “That’s just it sir. She’s gone through psych eval already and has been cleared for duty. She has adjusted remarkably well.”

Hackett stepped back. “What aren’t you telling me Commander?”

Anderson smiled, and handed him a datapad. “This is a recording of the security footage here in the hospital. Shepard’s room.” 

Hackett hit playback. He could see the woman asleep on her front, one leg sticking out from the sheet, which she appeared to be tangled in. He took a breath to ask what he was looking for when he saw it – a soft but unmistakeable glow of biotics. The light danced and pulsed around her head, before spreading down an arm, which twitched and clenched at the sheet. She turned her head and Hackett could see her eyes fluttering, a frown creasing her brow as she started to thrash. He blinked and looked back to Anderson.

“I thought you said she was an engineer, not a sentinel?”

Anderson nodded. “I did, and she is an engineer. We asked her about the biotics when she woke. She was as confused as we were. She has no amp, but has shown no other manifestation – which is remarkable, considering her age. So, we got an asari doctor, Dr Mallia, in to examine her.”

“And?”

“And, Shepard consented to a meld. Dr Mellia felt the biotics, and found that Shepard is subconsciously using them on herself, to partition memories.”

Hackett raised an eyebrow. “Partition?”

“Yes sir. Apparently, it’s not unheard of with the asari. Some therapists will use it as a technique to treat patients with PTSD and the like. Usually a temporary measure while other therapy is ongoing. It…separates the emotion out of the memory, or blocks the memory entirely. Our psychologists would call it dissociating, though the biotic method is usually an active process. It appears Shepard is subconsciously dissociating from some memories, and augmenting that with her biotic ability.”

“And this is because of Akuze?”

"No sir, this is how she has recovered from Akuze so quickly. Dr Mallia thinks that because Shepard is not consciously aware, that it likely manifested when she was quite young, probably in response to something that happened to her.” 

He looked down and cleared his throat. “She was an orphan on Earth. Ran with a gang before enlisting. A lot of the scars she has were already there…” He looked back at Shepard, now laying on her back with a physiotherapist moving her legs through stretches. 

“What do you need David?” Hackett finally spoke, his voice softer.

Anderson sighed. “I want her in the N program, but we can’t have an untrained biotic with no amp running around. Dr Mallia says they have programs for training biotics in this way, usually for asari psychologists to use. She thinks with this training and intensive therapy that Shepard should become conscious of her biotics – and then train them. With an amp fitted first of course.”

“Combat?”

Anderson shook his head. “They’ll teach her some defensive poses, barriers and such, but no. The training would focus around strengthening what she already does – mental barriers and protection. I wouldn’t pull her out of her specialty now. She’s a gifted engineer, and by all accounts she enjoys it.”

Hackett nodded. “You still haven’t told me what you need me for.”

“Dr Mallia says they have the training Shepard needs running through the University of Serrice on Thessia. She thinks we could bring Shepard in as a cross-species exchange with the Valkyrie program their commandos run. She can do some general asari culture and language courses while she’s there to meet some of the xenolinguistics and culture components of the N training too. I’ve put out some feelers, and it sounds like the asari are amenable to the idea. The official request is above my paygrade though.”

Hackett nodded, then looked back to Shepard, who was now sitting on a chair sipping water watching them. He nodded to her, and she nodded back sharply, sitting up a little straighter. He looked back to Anderson. 

“Consider it done, Commander.”


	2. Out of the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's first impressions of Thessia

Serrice, Thessia 2177

The colours of Thessia blurred by, the altitude and speed of the shuttle blending it into a steady stream of pastels with no detail. The thrum of the engine and the murmur of conversation are the only noises, and I can see more than one pair of asari in melds, presumably to keep their discussions private. I'm glad for the quiet. I lean against the door of the shuttle, trying to get weight off my aching leg as I mull over the last conversation I had with Anderson.

\--

  _“I feel fine sir.”_

_Anderson gave her his best dad look. “Shepard, you’ve seen the footage.”_

_She rubbed her neck, feeling the slight lump where the implant sat beneath her skin. “Yeah, but it’s just some nightmares. I’m fine when I’m awake.”_

_“That may be so, but you need to get this in check, all the time. How are you going to pass the infiltration challenges in N training if you glow every time you shut your eyes?”_

_She sighed. “Sir…” she stopped, looking down at her hands._

_“Speak freely Shepard.”_

_“Sir.” She looked at him. “What happens if I can’t?”_

_Her gaze didn't waver, but he saw her swallow heavily. Saw the barely concealed fear in her eyes. He wanted to lie to her, but knew better. “If you can’t, then I can’t put you into the N program. You’d be too much of a liability.”_

_She blinked back a sudden tear. “Could I still stay in the Alliance?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper._

_Anderson blinked, suddenly finding a lump in his own throat. He reached out and squeezed her shoulder, before saying softly, “I’m sure we could find something for you. It’s unlikely you’d serve on an active ship though.”_

_She looked down, a single tear dripping into her lap. She drew in a few deep breaths, before she clenched her jaw. She looked back at him, and he suppressed his smile at the fire there. “Then I guess I better not fail sir.”_

_He gave her shoulder one last squeeze before letting go. “That’s the attitude I like to see lieutenant.”_

_She picked up her bag and turned toward the transport._

_“Shepard.” He coughed. “I’d like to keep in touch, if you’d like.”_

_She frowned. “I thought you’d be monitoring my progress sir?”_

_“Yes, we will. I mean, id like to check in with you personally. Maybe call you once a week or so?”_

_Her frown changed to a look of surprise as she blinked, then looked away. “I’d like that sir.”_

_He took a breath of relief. “Ok. Well. Time for you to get going. I’ll let you get settled, and then I’ll give you a call in a few days.”_

_She looked back at him, a curious look on her face. “Ok.” She stood to attention and snapped a crisp salute. “Thank you sir.”_

_She turned and climbed on to the transport, the sea of surprised blue faces the last thing he saw as the door closed behind her._

\--

I sigh. Truthfully I'm terrified. The first time I saw the footage of me thrashing in my sleep I was transfixed, a feeling of horror and subtle vertigo settling over me like a cloud as the realisation that a large part of myself is out of my normally calm control. I know no other place than the Alliance, and the look Anderson had given me as I left was leaving was almost…..caring. I frown as I try to remember getting a look like that before, then freeze, sagging back against the door as the memories nearly carry me away.

 _Enough._ I shake my head to help, and pull myself back upright. _You’re going to get your shit together, you’re going to sort this biotic stuff out and you’re going to ace the N program. No ifs, no buts._

I slip my headphones back in and relaxed back into a loose parade rest, the best I can manage with a bad leg and a cane.

\--

Liselle watched the human over the top of her data pad, blatantly once she realised she was lost in her own thoughts. From the constant shifts and frowns she could see there was a war going on, even though dark glasses blocked her eyes. Liselle stared at how the glasses sat on her face, hooking over her alien ears.

Her hair was short and choppy, and slightly uneven, not cut in a way Liselle had ever seen before. When the human turned slightly she noticed a red scar tracking up and out of her collar and into her hair and she realised that the cut was not intentional. Liselle frowned, looking down at the cane the human was leaning on. Even though her eyes were hidden, she was clearly young for a human. Liselle could see muscle rippling in her forearm as she shifted her grip on the cane, and her cargo pants were tight enough through the hips to hint at the power there. Her skin looked smooth and soft, and she moved with a barely concealed grace indicative of excellent conditioning. The human glanced over her shoulder and Liselle saw scars across her chin and cutting through an eyebrow.

_What in goddess’ name happened to her?_

She watched the human finally resolve her battle and straighten, sticking headphones in her ears before settling more calmly. She seemed to register that she was being watched and looked up sharply, catching Liselle’s eyes. Liselle caught her breath, but did not look away. Slowly the corner of the human’s mouth lifted in a small smile, before she turned back to the window. Liselle felt a smile tug at her own lips. Suddenly coming to Thessia didn’t seem like such a bad idea after all.

\--

The shuttle landed with a jolt, and I unbalance slightly, bumping into the asari that had been staring at me earlier, having moved to the door without me noticing. The asari who was staring at me now. “Sorry,” I mumble as I right myself. _Did she just laugh at me?_ Feeling my cheeks start to burn I pick up her duffel and step out of the shuttle as soon as the doors slide open. I take a few steps forward and to the side to clear from the traffic before I look up, and freeze. The University of Serrice stretches out before me and I take a sharp breath. The buildings all had the swooping lines of asari architecture, and trees that looked remarkably like maples if they had pink tinged leaves, lined the walkways. Combined with the blue of all the asari and the clear bluish apricot of the Thessian sunset, I have never seen something so vibrant in my life. Realising I've been gaping,I snap my mouth shut, before looking around. I see some signs, but they're all in high Thessian. I groan as I realise that I'm going to have to carry my duffel, scan the signs with my omnitool and walk with a cane. Sighing I slide my sunglasses onto my head she  and hike my duffel high up on my shoulder, activate my  Omni and set off limping toward the campus.

\--

Liara splashed water on her face and looked at herself in mirror one last time. She frowned at the nervousness she could still see there, then scowled further when that look just made it look like she was going to cry. She dried her face off and sighed, grabbing her stack of data pads as she straightened up.

_Come on, you’ve earned your doctorate already, submitting a funding request for a dig cannot be as hard as that._

She smoothed the front of her dress as she stepped out of the bathroom and into the walkway, the scent of the lyra flowers calming her slightly. Checking the time, she set off quickly, wanting to get to the panel ahead of time to prepare. Mentally working her way through her notes again, she rounded a corner and walked straight into a wall. Except the wall grabbed her by the elbow when it seemed she was going to fall. Liara scrabbled to hang on to the data pads as they slid precariously in her grip. Only once she felt she had them did she realise the hand on her elbow was not blue.

Her head shot up and she found herself looking at a human woman. Liara stared, taking in the dark brown hair that seemed to throw red where the light touched it, the scar running through an eyebrow, and felt her breath catch as she met her eyes. They were light brown, almost like honey, but one had a fleck of emerald green that seemed to glow, and made Liara feel like the world had just tilted on its axis. “I…I..” she started to stutter, and then felt it die in her throat as the human smiled at her.

“I’m sorry miss,” Shepard said quietly, not wanting to startle the young asari further. “I was scanning the signs and didn’t see you there.”

Liara coughed and swallowed. “It’s quite alright, I, uh, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

The human smiled again and leaned in slightly. Liara swallowed another lump. “I don’t suppose you can tell me if I’m headed in the right direction? I’m looking for the administration office.”

“Ye, Yes.” Liara paused and took a breath. She cast about desperately, then pointed down a walkway. “You need to go that way, it’s at the very end.”

She looked back to see the human staring at her, not giving an indication that she had noticed the instructions at all. Her smile had faded a little, but Liara could see it dancing in her eyes. _Goddess, those eyes…_ She shook her head and stepped back, and the human dropped her hand from her elbow. The human blinked, then shuffled slightly, and Liara finally noticed she had a heavy bag over her shoulder and appeared to be leaning on a cane. “Thank you,” she said softly.

She moved to step past Liara, who shifted slightly out of her way, before the human paused and turned back. A searching look played across her face before she said “Take deep breaths and stand tall before you go in. You’ve got this.”

She turned and limped away, missing Liara’s jaw drop open at the words.

\--

I walk away slowly, trying not to limp too badly, knowing the asari is probably watching me. I smile to myself as I picture the wide eyes and the cute little freckles again. With great difficulty I keep going for a few yards, before it gets the better of me. I stop to adjust my duffel and use the distraction to glance back. The asari is still watching me, and even from distance I can see the deep blue blush spread across her face as she realised she had been caught. I bite my lip to keep from smiling too widely as I watch her eyes dart before taking off hurriedly in the opposite direction. I laugh delightedly as soon as she is out of sight, startling another asari who is walking past, which makes me laugh even more. I throw my duffel back onto my shoulder, seemingly much lighter now and set back off, still chuckling to myself.

Maybe coming to Thessia wouldn’t be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still getting my sea legs, hoping you can ride it out with me while I get settled. I'm open to feedback as always :)


	3. That which covers me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard trying to find her way on Thessia.

Chapter 2  
_I swipe at my hair, sticking to the blood on my face, pulling my skin tight. I can feel the hot air blowing sand into the gashes, cutting them worse, but sealing them at the same time, stinging and throbbing all the while. I take a breath and try to steady the rifle in my hands. I am untrained for this, but I can’t let her down. I sight down and find her through the scope, see her dirty blonde hair wet with sweat and stuck to her neck, see her heaving breath. I remember our last night together, the taste of her skin, how every touch burned, how I revelled in my ability to render her slick and panting beneath me. But this is not that time, her breath is not for me. I can feel my heart pounding, thumping harder as I make out the blood caked in her hair, the thresher maw proboscis buried in her belly the cause of her heaved breaths. I hear the wet tearing of flesh as the thresher moves and I struggle to get up again, to run to her, to save her, to offer myself, anything but lay here and watch; my shattered leg crumples further, and a keening cry of pain and rage escapes my lips._

  
_She turns toward the sound and the world stops as she meets my eyes through the scope. I can see the pain and fear hazing the eyes I lose myself in, but it clears when she registers what she sees. I can see her lips move. I can’t hear from this distance, but I know what she says. I can’t hold back the sobs, and my body wracks with them, heaves and tears my wounds back open and I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. I just want to save her, even if it costs me everything, because I already know that a life without her will be worse than death. I scream, willing myself to stand, pouring all my frustration into it, seeing the scant few hundred metres between us that I cannot cross. To lay here and watch her devoured is worse than any hell I can imagine. I wretch at the thought, knowing that there is no hell worse than this for me, but that I can make it better for her._

  
_Again, I try to steady my hands, taking deep shaking breaths as the sobs still wrack my body. I sight back down, seeing her beautiful cobalt eyes still staring at me, but clouding over again. I swallow and blow out one final breath. “I love you Anna,” I whisper. She smiles at me as though she hears me, and I choke back another sob. Ï squeeze my eyes shut and pull the trigger. “Forgive me.”_

  
I bolt upright in bed, squeezing my eyes shut against the tears as I suck in ragged breaths. I swing my legs off the bed and rip my sweaty shirt off, throwing it on the floor. “Anna….” I breathe. It’s been months. _How long before I can sleep the night through._ I snort. _How long since I’ve slept well?_ I run my hand across my face. Vaguely a memory sneaks up, of lying in bed, small and tucked in tightly beneath a scratchy blanket, not quite warm enough. Curling into a warm body that hugs me close. Smelling peppermint and feeling a kiss pressed to my hair, drifting off… I shake myself. _What was that?_

  
I turn to check the time and see that I’ve destroyed my alarm clock in my sleep and sigh. _Fuck._ I slump and look at my hands. I concentrate, trying to imagine the mass effect fields coalescing into my palms. I snap my hand out at the cup on my desk…...and nothing happens. _FUCK. I’m going to get kicked out of the Alliance. I can’t even knock over a paper cup unless I’m unconscious, and when I am I scream like a child._ I can feel tears threatening again, and slap myself hard. I slump and sigh. _You should be able to manage a shower at least._ I check the time on my omni. 0430. _Ok, well at least I should have it to myself. I already get enough stares without them seeing me naked._ I snort again. I look down, tracing a set of scars that runs down my chest and across my side. I don’t even like looking at this…thing. I sigh again and get up, hobbling to my wardrobe, grabbing fresh cargo pants, shirt and Alliance hoodie, along with my toiletries kit. I grab my cane and head for the door, the draft against my sweaty skin reminding me I’m shirtless. I stick my cane in my drenched shirt and flick it up to myself, grimacing as I pull it back on.

  
I close my door softly and move down the corridor as quietly as I can, trying not to disturb the asari behind the doors. I frown to myself as I go. When Anderson said I was part of the Valkyrie exchange program, I thought it was an actual alliance exchange program for human biotics. It is, but for one specific human biotic. Who can’t even control them. I can’t fault them for staring. I’m the only human here, and probably the only one these asari have ever seen in person. They’re young, by asari standards. The odd look the administrator had given me as she showed me to my room, making up an excuse about privacy as I stepped in and saw that I would have a two-person room to myself, giving her away. _Shepard. It’s a good thing. A few night-time screaming and biotic shows and they’d be even more terrified of humans…. of you._

  
Reaching the showers, I step into an empty cubicle, wishing again that the asari were more like humans about nudity. _Would it kill them to put doors on these things?_ I catch sight of myself as I pull my shirt off and pause, looking at the scars that cross my back, the ones from Akuze still red and raised against the pale white ones. _Better get used to the early showers._ I look down at my arms, both covered with similar scars, but those on my right hidden by a full-length tattoo sleeve. _And long sleeves. Maybe I should get another sleeve done? Why does it matter? Who cares if a few asari teenager equivalents freak out?_ I sigh and lean against the wall as I wait for the water to warm. I remember dark eyes looking at me in terror, and I feel the familiar nausea return. _No. I may be a marine, but no one will look at me like that again._ I take a deep breath. _I need to convince the asari that I’m not a threat_. I step under the water. _If I can convince them, maybe I can convince myself…._

  
I stand under the spray for what seems like forever, feeling the warmth relaxing my body and calming me. I rest my head on the wall, letting it cascade down my back until I hear a small gasped “Goddess.” I clench my jaw, grinding my teeth as a blow a breath out through my nose. I look over my shoulder and see the purple asari from the shuttle behind me, mouth gaping. I turn back and bang my head on the wall lightly. That look. I can never escape that look. _Face it Shepard, you’re monstrous to look at. Might as well get used to it._ I shut off the water and step back to grab my towel, stumbling slightly. I can see the asari has recovered herself a little and has turned away, but I can see the furtive glances, the wide eyes as she catches more of the damage. I wrap my towel around me and turn. “Can I help you?” I wince at how harsh it sounds, and she flinches.

  
“I’m sorry. I…I didn’t expect anyone to be in here. And when I saw…” she drifts off as her eyes trace down, lingering on the leg I’m trying to keep my weight off. She looks up and catches my eye, then looks away quickly. I can see her swallow heavily. “I’m sorry.”

  
I run a hand through my hair, sighing again. Don’t take it out on her, you know what she sees. Anyone would stare. Everyone does. I blow out another breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I try a smile. “What’s your name?”

  
The asari smiles back, her fingers twisting nervously. “Liselle. Liselle T’Loak.” A look of panic flashes across her face. “Uhh but don’t tell anyone that. It’s Liselle Nishae here.”

  
I can’t help cocking an eyebrow, but I can see the terror in her eyes. She’s just slipped up, badly. I look down. I know that feeling well. I look back at her smiling softly. “Hi Liselle Nishae. I’m Sam Shepard.”

Liselle smiles and I pause. The nervousness disappears in the motion and I find myself lingering on the upturned corners of her mouth, the twinkle in her eyes. I cough. “So. I’ve caught you staring at me twice now Liselle. You gonna ask your question?”

  
Liselle’s smile turns nervous instantly, and I bite the inside of my cheek to stop a chuckle escaping. “Question?”

  
I fail, and the chuckle escapes. “I know you want to ask.”

  
Liselle paused, then relaxes. “What happened to you? I’ve…I’ve never seen so many scars…”

  
I close my eyes and nod. _There it is. There it always is._ I open my eyes and look at Liselle, and I can see that she is nervous still, but…not afraid. I cock my head, and look at her. I can see that her arms are well muscled, and she holds herself calmly – despite the nervousness in her eyes, her body does not move as such. I don’t think she’s the same as the rest of the maidens here. I smile wistfully. “Lets just say, if someone invites you on a safari holiday with thresher maws….don’t go.”

  
Liselle’s eyes narrow with suspicion, a small smile playing on her lips. Then she freezes and her eyes go wide. “I saw a thing on the extranet, about a human colony that got wiped out by thresher maws. Only one person got out….”

  
I quirk an eyebrow and nod slowly.

  
“Fuck…”

  
A surprised laugh escapes before I bite it off. “Where did you learn that?”

  
Liselle laughs with me. “You’re not the first human I’ve met. I live on Omega usually.”

  
I feel my eyebrow lift again. “Huh.” I check the time, and turn back to my clothes, towelling off the last of the water. “Well, Liselle, as much as I’d love to stand around half naked and dripping with a swearing asari, I’ve got to go.”

  
Liselle’s eyes widen as I pull off the towel and a faint blush rises on her cheeks, but she nods. “Of course.” She pauses. “Did you want to…do something later?”

  
I jerk up and nearly drop my pants I’m trying to balance into. “Uhhh, why?”

  
“We’re both outsiders here. And I get the feeling that you’re probably way more interesting than a bunch of asari just out of home.” She motions at the tattoo down my right arm. “And I kind of want to ask about that.”

  
I glance at it, then nod. “Ok.” I tap my omnitool to ping the nearest, then gather my gear. “Later then.”

  
\--

  
With the university map downloaded to my omnitool, I got to the matriarch’s office faster than I expected. I see no lights on in the matriarch’s office, and get no response for knocking. I look around and decide to look at the garden for a while. _Maybe I can try some of that meditating people talk about._ I snicker to myself. I pull out my headphones and get out a datapad to draw on to while away the time. I wonder what this matriarch will be like. What my ‘lessons’ will be. I hum to the music and try to keep my breathing even as I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. I need to do this. If she can help I need to embrace it, even if it’s kind of terrifying. What will she do?

  
A few asari move past me, but I keep my head down to avoid any looks, until I feel a different energy approach me, and stop. I look up, out at the garden and close my eyes, reaching out to it. I can feel curiosity, like all the others, but this is not mixed with fear or apprehension. She sees me as an unknown, but a challenge. I open my eyes and turn, finding a deep blue asari with red markings across her brow watching me from across the hall. I can see at full height I’ll tower over her, but her violet eyes hint at the presence she carries. _Must be what I felt. She’d be intimidating if she wasn’t radiating so much warmth._ “Hello Matriarch Selana,” I say as I smile and take out my headphones.

  
She inclines her head slightly. “Hello Lieutenant Shepard.”

  
Even as she is saying it I hold my hand up and shake my head. “Please, just call me Shepard. Or Sam.”

  
She smiles and I feel the warmth even more. “Ok Sam, as long as you call me Selana.”

  
I nod. “Deal.”

  
She walks over and looks out to the garden and I turn back. “So how did you know who I was?”

  
I shrug. “You’re not the same as the others that have come by.”

  
“What do you mean. We haven’t met?”

  
“I could….feel you I guess. You….have a presence.”

  
“Oh? What did you feel?”

  
“Hmmm I felt something that wasn’t terrified of me for one.” I look over at her and smile, noting her looking at me intently. I blink and look back at the garden. “I could feel that you are curious about me, and that you think I’ll be a challenge. But no fear. And you feel….warm. Kind. So, I figured it must be you.”

  
“That is very astute Sam. Do you get these feelings about people a lot?”

  
“Yeah, a fair bit. I can usually tell if someone is lying, if they’re hiding something, that type of thing. It’s pretty useful in the military.”

  
Selana chuckled, a thoughtful look on her face. “No doubt.” She looked back at the garden. “It is a beautiful garden.”

  
I nod. She indicates at my datapad. “But it doesn’t appear to be what has caught your attention.”  
I look down and nearly drop the datapad when I see what is there. I blink a few times as I see the face of the maiden I bumped into the day before looking back at me. “Uhhhh…”

  
“Who is she?”

  
I glance over and see the mirth in her eyes. I chuckle with her. “I actually don’t know. I bumped into her yesterday.” I shrug. “Clearly she made an impression.”

  
Selana laughs outright and the sound is enough to break me out into a full grin. “Clearly…”

  
Still chuckling she motions for me to follow as she moves across the hall to her office. She unlocks the door and waves me in. The lights come up automatically, but are muted, keeping the room bathed in shadows. I can see the soft greys and greens of the room, with the occasional splash of brighter colour in the art on the walls. There is an overstuffed couch against a wall, hidden in shadow, and two high backed wing chairs placed close together, facing a full-length window overlooking the campus square. I walk over to the couch and tuck my bag down next to it. I turn back to see Selana has followed me in, watching me. She indicates the wing chairs and goes over to sit down. I put my cane with my bag and limp over, almost tripping when I see a low table in front of the chairs with a teapot steeping, and a cup of coffee to the side I raise an eyebrow, and look at Selana as I ease myself down.

  
She smiles. “I heard you humans love this thing called coffee. Especially soldier types.”  
I laugh. “Thank you.”

I grab the coffee and take a sip, humming softly when it turns out to be good. “Not all humans love coffee, but this one certainly does. Though I wouldn't say I'm a solider type.”

  
“You are in the Alliance Military are you not?”

  
“Yeah, but I'm an engineer. The grunts I serve with would take exception to me saying I was a soldier like them.” I catch myself, staring into my coffee. “Served with.”

_Sitting around a low campfire, sipping on the coffee Jones burnt, listening as the soldiers share stories trying to one up each other, smiling as they get more raucous, looking up at the stars, feeling Anna sneak her hand into mine…_

  
I shake my head and look up at Selana to find her watching me. Shit, how long did you sit there staring? I smile sheepishly. “Sorry. Think I vagued out there for a second.”

  
She nods slowly. I swallow thickly. She notices. “So, uhh what now?” I frown at how shaky my voice sounds.

  
“Now we talk about why you’re here, and what you want from me?”

  
I gape at her. “What I want from you?”

  
“You are here for something, are you not?”

  
I can feel irritation as a hot flush creeping up my neck. “I am here because the Alliance sent me. Apparently, I have uncontrolled biotics that make me a liability and they’ll kick me out if I don’t fix them.” I look back at her, the calm look on her face flaring my anger further and I can hear myself starting to yell. “The Alliance is all I’ve ever known. I was top of my class in boot, I aced all of my tech classes, I’ve written hacking programs the Alliance still use today and I was the youngest person ever to be offered an officers commission, but…” I feel my anger bubbling higher until it hits an imaginary failsafe and dissipates. I slump back in my chair and look back out the window, blinking away the frustrated tears that had formed.

  
“But?”

  
I glance over at Selana and see she has been completely unmoved by my outburst. I sigh. “But it’s not good enough.” I look at my hands. I clear my throat, but my voice comes out in a wavering whisper. “I’m not good enough.” _Good work. Well, if she knows how pathetic you are right off the bat it should save some time right?_ I grimace. _You may be pathetic, but doesn’t mean you should let her see you're weak. Get back up_. As the thought runs through my head I pull myself back upright in the chair and look over at her calmly.

“I’d like you to help me gain conscious control of these biotics so that I can train them effectively. Can you do that?”

  
Selana inclines her head, taking in the shift in my demeanour. I look back at her passively, feeling the shift in her energy I know her answer. “Excellent. So, what do we do now? A straight answer please."

  
She lifts a brow, then inclines her head. "Very well Shepard."

  
I narrow my eyes. "Shepard?"

  
"That is who I am talking to, am I not? It is not Sam who looks at me now." I quirk an eyebrow, but say nothing.

 

"So, Shepard, what I have trained in, and what I offer you, is the ability to unlock repressed memories. I believe the reason that you do not have control of your biotics is because you have suppressed the memories that surround their manifestation. We need to access these to reconnect your conscious mind with the unconscious."

 

I blink a few times, trying to process. _Suppress? Why would I have suppressed memories?_ I look down at my knuckles, covered entirely with spidery white scars, and the deeper ones that run up my forearms. I trace one of the deeper ones, one I have traced many times as I wondered how I got it. _How much could I have suppressed? Do I really want to know?_ No, I decide. I don’t really want to know. But I don’t want to be kicked out of the Alliance. I frown thoughtfully as I realise I don’t want to let Anderson down either. Huh.  
I look back at Selana.

 

"When do we begin?"


	4. Black as the pit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Selana discover that things may not be easy as they hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to write longer chapters, so updates will be a little slower. Things start to take a darker turn from here, be warned! :)

The shift in demeanour and energy is remarkable to watch, Selana thinks. The human fell into memory; pain practically radiating off her, and then, almost as quickly, it disappeared and the soldier descended, masking all that lay beneath. Despite this she did not feel aggression or threat from the human, simply cool detachment. She ponders. _It will be difficult to guide her when the soldier is present, the disconnect will be larger in her mind_. Not for the first time Selana considers that helping Shepard may be more difficult than she first thought. She sips at her tea, buying time while she thinks, and remembers the drawing. _She creates to calm herself. I can use that._

"First, make yourself comfortable Shepard." She watches the human settle back in the chair, her hands resting on each armrest. She nods.

"Ok, now, imagine a place that makes you feel safe. Somewhere that you consider home perhaps, or would like to. Imagine it as vividly as you can. When you are ready I will join you in this place. We will use it to ground ourselves before we move on. Can you do that?"

Shepard nods, leans her head back against the chair, and closes her eyes. Selana watches her as she breathes, and she notes the breaths becoming slower and deeper as Shepard settles into herself. She finally lets a breath out through her mouth and turns her hand closest to Selana over, reaching to indicate that she is ready. Selana settles herself into her own chair and takes Shepard's hand, smiling at how warm it is compared to hers. "Relax Shepard, reach out to the cosmos, feel my presence with you, beside you, and within you." As she speaks Selana's eyes swirl to black, and she reaches out with her consciousness, grasping on to the human beside her.

Selana opens her eyes in the meld and finds herself standing on an Alliance military ship. She gasps at the level of detail Shepard has conjured. She can see the wear marks on the floor from the constant stream of boots, the coffee stains dried onto the edge of a console, hear the whir of the drive core and smell the ozone of electrical discharge. She turns around to see Shepard typing at a console, an omnitool lit on her wrist and running through a program as she types. Her uniform is crisp and clean, an engineering tool belt slung low around her hips, though her hair is as untidy as in Selana's office. Shepard turns to face Selana. "Welcome to the SSV Hong Kong, Matriarch."

Selana smiles and inclines her head. "This is home for you?"

Shepard seems to ponder before shaking her head. "No, I don't think I really have anywhere I consider home. But you said safe and comfortable, and this is the first place I thought of."

"Your imagination is very vivid Shepard. If I could not feel myself sitting in my chair, I would be convinced."

Shepard blushes and ducks her head. "I daydream a lot. Think about scenes to draw, fill the time on night shifts. Maybe it's like practise."

Selana smiles at the hint of Sam breaking through. "You're an artist. You like to create things."

Shepard smiles shyly and nods, and Selana sees her fingers start to dance along the outside seam of her pants. She smiles inwardly. _The soldier is the ruse for the outer world, but the girl is not far from the surface._

"Could you show me something else?"

"Like what?"

"You grew up on Earth, yes? Can you show me something from there?"

A shadow flickers across the girl's face, the soldier shoring up the cracks. "I haven't been there in years, I don't really remember," she says, her voice hardening.

Selana ponders that she has made a mistake, but notes the fingers still fidgeting with her seam. "Ok." She feigns indifference. "I just wanted to see if you could create a scene â€“ one that you are less familiar with is all. Test that imagination so to speak." She paused, looking around her again. "If you can't it's ok. I was merely curious."

She looks back to see the girl warring with herself. Eventually she takes a deep breath and Selana bites her lip to see who won the round. Sam looks up at her. "Ok, I guess I can try."

Selana smiles at her. "Ok." Selana closes her eyes, getting ready for the vertigo of dropping unbidden into a new scene.

"What are you doing?" She opens her eyes to see Sam looking at her oddly.

"Giving you a moment to focus."

Sam chuckles and walks over to the door, waving Selana over. When she reaches the human's shoulder she presses the pressure pad on the door and it retracts open, and Selana feels her jaw drop. She looks behind her, still seeing the engineering core of the SSV Hong Kong, then back through the door that leads seamlessly onto a city street. Sam walks through and on to the street, beckoning her through. As soon as she is, the door closes behind her and she looks back to see it now appears that she just stepped out of an apartment complex.

"Where are we?"

"New York."

Selana starts to walk down the street slowly, Sam trailing behind her slightly, taking in the grey pavement and the blue sky of Earth, marred with pollution causing the sun to appear hazed. She smells garbage and dirt, smoke and faintly coffee permeating every breath. She turns and looks back, noticing Sam has fallen farther behind. "You don't like it here?"

Sam looks around before shaking her head. "It's kind of making me feel weird."

"Weird how?"

"I don't know. Like I should run." As if proving her point gunfire breaks out nearby and they both duck and cast about. Sam laughs shakily. "Ummm that was me, wasn't it? Sorry."

Selana straightens back up, walking back to the human and placing her hand on her arm. "It's ok. This is amazing Sam. I've spent hundreds of years helping people through melds, and I don't think I've come across anyone who can create such vivid worlds in their minds. You have a gift." She rubs her hand up and down Sam's arm as she speaks, hoping to soothe the girl and prevent her locking down into Shepard again.

Sam lets out a shaky breath. "Yeah, a gift."

Selana blinks and finds herself standing on a desert world, the smell of blood on the wind and desperate cries echoing around her. She feels a lancing pain and looks down to find her left leg misshapen and bloodied, and falls to her knees, screaming at the pain of the movement. She puts her hands down in front of her and sees several fingers on one hand bent at awkward angles, and the skin burned or missing on the other hand entirely. She feels the hot air burning in her lungs as she inhales sand, before she blinks and finds herself on a New York street once again. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply.

Sam is hunched over next to her, holding her up off the ground and against her and she can feel the human's heart pounding. "I'm so sorry," the girl sobs. "Selana, are you ok, you can open your eyes, it's gone now, I'm sorry."

Selana opens her eyes and tests her leg, discovering it is as it should be. She stands, pulling Sam up with her. "It's ok Sam." She holds the human's face in her hands to force her to look at her. "You and I both know that this process is going to be difficult, on both of us. Remember that you are safe. You are sitting in my office in a comfortable chair, holding my hand. We are both well. None of this is happening to us."

Sam swallows, and nods. "Ok, good." Selana turns and looks around again. Finally, she notices, far down the street, a darker area. Much darker than anywhere else that she can see. She sets off toward it. Sam starts following hesitantly again. "Where are you going?"

Selana glances back to check that it is still the girl with her. "I'm looking for the beginning."

"The beginning?"

"Yes, your earliest memories. I think it will work best if we go back to the oldest memories we can find, and work our way forward from there."

Sam hurries to catch up with her and pulls at her arm, swinging her back toward her. It takes all her self-control not to react to the shift in the girl - truly a girl now. Sam looks like she is about 13 years old; in dirty jeans, ripped and stiff with dirt, a frayed and threadbare pullover over a clearly gaunt frame. Her face and hair are filthy, her hair matted in places, dried blood in it and in patches on her face. The bright eyes of the adult appear dull and lifeless, even the brilliant emerald fleck is muted. Sam does not seem to notice the change. She rubs the back of her neck, the other hand fidgeting with the seam on her jeans. "Do we have to do that? Can't you just zoom in on the biotics memory?"

Selana smiles at the child. "If you knew which one that was, yes we could. Do you know which memory that is?"

The child sighs and seems to shrink into herself. Her voice comes out barely above a whisper. "No."

Selana reaches down and takes Sam's hand in hers. "It's ok. I'm with you, we can do this together."

She turns and continues walking toward the dark area, feeling the child clinging more tightly as they get closer. She feels a cool sensation on her face and looks up to see rain falling. She looks around again and notices that the entire world is losing colour, leaving dull greys and inky shadows. She scans the street, taking note of the buildings nearby. _Perhaps the doors?_ She peers into the dark, and can just make out a building at the edge of sight, duller and more non-descript than the others. She frowns. _The soldier. She's trying to prevent me noticing_. She looks down at the girl with her, trembling against her leg, then scans the street again. _I cannot see Shepard, but she is here. I need to tread carefully. She_ turns and kneels in front of the girl, pointing back at the building. "I'm going to go and look in that building."

The girl's eyes go wide and she shakes her head violently. "You can't. You can't go in there."

"Why not?"

Tears spill down the girl's cheeks. "Bad things happen in there. I don't go in there, ever."

Selana wipes the tears away. "It's ok. I do this for a job remember? I'll be ok." She stops and hugs the girl.

"You can wait for me here ok? If you get scared, just run back to the light area."

The girl sobs and clings to her neck. "Please don't go," she pleads. Selana hugs her tightly for a moment, then gently extricates herself.

"I won't be long."

With that she turns and walks quickly into the darkness and up to the building, feeling the urgency of needing to get in before Shepard changes the rules. She reaches for the doorknob and is surprised to open it easily. She steps into a dimly lit corridor, the only light cast from the doorway behind her. She reaches back to open the door wider and jumps when Shepard steps into view, looming over her "I told you not to go in there," she rasps, the emerald in her eye flashing before she pulls the door shut, locking Selana in the dark.

\--

_Shit._

Selana takes a deep breath and tries to focus back onto the physical sensations of her body to ground herself. She thinks of the chair she sits in, the feeling of the fabric on her skin, the warmth of the human's hand in hers, before she feels a searing pain behind her eyes and she clutches at her head. She drops to her knees, panting, her vision blurring as her eyes water from the pain. Physical sensations fall away as she struggles for breath, feeling the fingers of fear as they creep up her spine, suddenly knowing that the soldier has trapped her in the meld. Black spots appear in her eyes and her trembling arms fail and she falls forward onto the rough wooden floor. She can feel grit against her cheek, her breath puffing dust into the air and up her nose, her breath labouring more. She is trying to remember her training, as she lays curled on the cold floor, the sensations so real she is struggling to remember herself. She opens her eyes and sees her hands in front of her, but now they are pink and very small, and she reaches up to find hair on her head. She thinks of her name, but her head feels heavy, her thoughts foggy, and she wants to sleep, and her terror fades against the pull....

\--

"Sam!"

She jerks awake at the call. She looks up to see her mother's legs walking toward her. She bends down and her hair tickles her face. "What are you doing down here Shadow?"

She reaches down and picks the girl up, covering her face with kisses. Sam yawns and then breaks out in a fit of giggles, before trying to do the same in return. Her mother laughs and she feels her heart expand in her chest; there is no sound sweeter to her 6-year-old mind. "Come on, it's late, let's go to bed."

Her mother carries her upstairs and they do their usual nightly routine â€“ washing their faces and their feet, brushing their teeth and changing into their sleepwear â€“ threadbare singlets and panties for them both. They climb into bed together and she settles against her mother's chest, who tells her stories and sings to her softly. She plays with her hair, the same dark brown with hints of red as hers, but longer, and beautiful. She looks up at her full lips, her heart filling with joy again when they smile and kiss her on the forehead. Her eyes, a deep brown, a different colour, but the same shape as Sam's. Her eyes always look at Sam with sadness, and Sam knows that she doesn't want this life for her, but Sam always kisses her eyelids when she looks at her like that and it goes away for a while.

Sam traces the outline of her cheekbone, pronounced from malnourishment, much like her daughter's, dark circles under her eyes, the creases on her brow and around her eyes evidence of the hardness of her life, making her look much older than her 24 years. Sam knows that she has nightmares, and sometimes she wakes when her mother is thrashing in the bed, the lines on her brow deeper, her gaunt cheeks pulled tight as she grimaces and cries out. Sam takes her head in her little lap and strokes her hair at these times, singing to her mother like she does for her, and plays her mother's favourite song on her omnitool until she settles again. Even in these moments Sam thinks she is the most beautiful thing in the world. She whispers to her that when she grows up she will learn how to play her song, and she will be a famous musician and she will look after her. Sam feels her head getting heavy as sleep sneaks up on her, and rests her head on her mother's chest, the steady beat the comfort she seeks to drift off. She feels the thin blanket being pulled up over her small shoulders, and then she feels nothing at all.

\--

"Get up bitch!"

Sam wakes with a start at the shout. She reaches out and feels her mother still in the bed next to her, sitting up, and she reaches out and clings to her. Her mother reaches around herself to wrap an arm around her.

"Please, my daughter is here." Her mother's voice wavers, and Sam feels the tingle of fear.

"Not my problem whore. Where's the payload?" Her mother flinches at the words and Sam starts to tremble. Her mother softly strokes her back.

"I delivered it to the drop point, as instructed."

"Well that's interesting, because Mike says it ain't there."

"What do you want me to say? I delivered it like you said. You can look around here if you think I kept it, but you already know I won't have that stuff around my child."

He steps forward and back hands her mother hard, her lip splitting immediately, a droplet of blood falling on Sam's face.

"What I say is that ten grand of sand has up and vanished, and you were the last one holding the bag."

He grabs her mother by the hair and drags her off the bed, and Sam falls off when her mother cannot release her hold in time, her own eyebrow splitting from the impact with the hard floor. Sam grunts, pushing herself up and scooting back against the bed as blood starts to run into her eye. She looks up in time to see her mother push the man away.

"You hurt my daughter you fuck! You want me to pay you back? Is that it? I don't have your drugs John, but if working it off will get you the hell out of here, then fine!"

He steps forward and punches her mother, this time with a closed fist and Sam flinches at the wet crack. Her mother sways on her knees, putting a hand down to steady herself. Sam's eyes widen as she sees him pull a pistol from his belt.

"NO!" she screams and jumps up, running in front of her mother who is still trying to straighten back up. "Get out!" she screams as loud as she can.

She hears her mother's sharply drawn breath and she knows she has seen the gun now too. John laughs and hits Sam across the face with the gun, and pain explodes across her head. She feels the warm gush of blood as her ear and cheek are split wide.

"Sam!" her mother tries to crawl to her, but he steps in the way.

"Not so fast, Jane" he spits at her. He grabs her hair and drags her back.

"Mum!" Sam cries out, beginning to cry, her head swimming, but she clings to consciousness through fear.

"Shhh its ok Shadow, I'll be there soon." Sam could see tears in her eyes too, and something else she didn't really understand. She can feel the sadness coming off her mother in waves, and she registers that her mother's eyes are saying goodbye.

"No! Mum, no." She cries weakly. She tries to stand, but the world tilts and she falls back onto her face.

She watches tears stream down her mother's face as she turns back to him. "What do you want John? I'll pay you however you want, but please, I need to take my daughter to the hospital."

He sneers at her. "It's too late for you to pay me. Mike's pissed, and I have to come back with the drugs, the money, or your head." He looks at Sam, and she shudders. "Maybe I can get a two for one. Your head... and a payment plan."

"No! No! No fucking way you asshole, you will not touch my daughter!" her mother screams, launching herself at him, knocking him off balance as she catches him by surprise.

Sam watches with wide eyes as they struggle over the gun, shivering as blood pools on the floor under her face. He knocks her mother back down with several punches and steps back to point the gun at her head. Her mother looks back at her with wide eyes. "I'm sorry Shadow. I love you, always remember that." She whispers.

Sam stares into her beautiful eyes and projects every feeling of love that her mother ever gave her. "I love you Mum. Forever."

Her mother closes her eyes and smiles, and then Sam jumps at a thundering bang that reverberates around the small room. She flinches automatically as warm blood coats her face, and opens her eyes to see her mother's face is a gaping red hole. She reaches up to her face and pulls away a piece of bone and hair, and shrieks, her world getting darker as she succumbs to the shock and blood loss. Suddenly the man is in front of her, grabbing her by the arm and lifting her up. "Shut up you little shit."

She tries to pull away, but she is too weak. He laughs. "Don't worry, you're not going to die. You're going to work for me." She looked up to see eyes the same colour as hers, an emerald fleck mirroring hers before she blacks out.

\--

Selana snaps back into herself as if she's dropped from height. She sucks in a wheezing breath and falls forward, half standing before she collapses back into her chair. She stares at the ceiling still sucking in breaths as she processes what she just saw. _No, experienced. She WAS the child._ She runs her hands over her head, sighing when she feels her smooth crests. She runs her hand down her face, the terror still clinging to her like a stasis field. She finally looks over at the human and starts when she sees that she has fallen off her chair and is huddled on the ground, cold coffee and tea spilled over her from catching the table as she fell, trembling with blood running down her face from a gushing nose. Selana rushes over to her, and can hear her whispering. She leans down and can hear her saying 'please don't hurt her' over and again. She gathers her up into her arms, falling back onto her backside as she cradles her against her chest, rocking her gently as she slowly strokes her hair with one hand, grabbing a towel from the table to wipe away and stem the blood with the other. She looks at her impossibly young face, and feels her breath catch in her throat when she pushes her hair back far enough to see the scar through her eyebrow, the one she just saw and felt her get. She feels tears well up in her eyes and she leans down and kisses her forehead. "You poor, poor child."

Selana loses track of time as she cradles the human. She can't risk another meld yet to help pull the human back out, but doesn't want her to wake alone. She watches the sun set through the windows, the lights on the paths below offering the barest hint of illumination. Eventually she feels the human shift, and she looks down to see her looking back. "Welcome back," she says with a small smile. Tears well in the human's eyes and she looks away. "Hey, hey, it's ok."

Sam shakes her head, tears falling and pulls herself upright, turning away. "No, it's not. I... I hurt you. I couldn't get you out." Her shoulders shake with silent sobs. Selana reaches out and pulls her back into her arms, rocking and cradling her again as she cries.

"But you did. I didn't break out of it, so you must have." She pauses. "You were whispering 'please don't hurt her' when I came out. I thought you meant your mother, but I think it was for me."

"Yes. I couldn't get the door open, so I went looking for, her. But then I was there with you at the same time. I couldn't get back out until it went dark, but I was trying."

"Shhh its ok. We're out now, we're ok."

"No, we're not! I... I..." Sam trails off as she reaches up to touch the scar through her eyebrow. She gulps. "Selana. I have a lot of scars that I don't remember how I got... I can't do that to you again. Please."

She watches Sam's face as she trails off, her eyes clouding over and staring into space as the reality of the memory continues to settle in. Her breathing quickens and her brow tightens, her face a mask of sorrowful despair that breaks Selana's heart. She cups Sam's chin in her hand and pulls her face back to look at her. Sam meets her eyes, and the pain in them lances through her. "My Mum... that was... I forgot her!" Tears start streaming down her cheeks again. She tries to pull away, but Selana holds her firm.

"You were a child Sam. It was too much for you then. But now you have me." She puts a finger over the human's lips as she starts to protest. "No. I know you're afraid of hurting me, but now we know what to expect we'll make a plan. You didn't hurt me. I'm still here, and I'm ok. You're ok. The memories are going to be hard to see, for both of us, but we can help each other through." Sam is still frowning, and she drops her eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Why do you still want to help me? This can't be what you signed up for." Sam looked back up at her and Selana felt her heart breaking for what felt like the millionth time that night, the pain and sadness and loneliness in her eyes palpable. Beneath it all Selana can see the flicker of hope, the longing for connection and closeness that her pain has driven her from, and she can't help but hug the girl to her chest.

"Because you have the kindest soul I have ever seen. You had your impression of me before you saw me; I had my impression of you too. Of course, I knew you were a human, but even before I saw you waiting outside my office I could feel you. In the meld you tried to protect yourself when I pushed too hard, but you fought to pull me back out. Your first thoughts were about hurting me, and not of your own pain that you had just relived. I want to help you connect that kind soul to the solider that you are. Because I think that person could change the world. The galaxy."

Sam doesn't respond, and she laughs softly when she looks down to find the human has fallen asleep. Still smiling she lifts the girl biotically and takes her to the couch, laying her down gently and pulling the throw over her. She sends a quick note to Sam's omnitool detailing how to lock up her office, gathers her things and turns down the lights. She looks back from the door to see she hasn't moved. "Sleep well young one," she whispers, before turning and stepping out into the night.

 

 

 


	5. Pole to pole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard struggles, Liselle helps, Selana has a revelation.

I wake up to the buzz of a message on my omnitool, the softest sound of laughter still echoing in my ears. I smile to myself, remembering hiding in my mother's skirts, her laughter above me, calling me her little shadow before sweeping me into her arms. She dances in circles so her skirt flares, both of us singing at the top of our lungs. I breathe a happy sigh and open my eyes. I blink confusedly. _I'm not in my room?_ I pull the throw off and sit up, looking around, my view settling on the overturned tray on the floor. Over near the wing chairs. The air rushes out of my lungs as the results of the meld flood back. Though slams into me like a freight train might be more accurate, or a detonating warp explosion, as I feel myself disintegrating all over again, molecules being ripped apart, parts of my soul escaping with the breath.

I slept better than I ever remember, feeling the fog rolling back, taking the nightmares with it, leaving only sweet dreams of my mother. I've never been happier than in the last few hours, though a thought in the back of my mind ponders that I must have been the first time too. I look down at my hands, imagining blood and tissue there, and start rubbing them on my pants, breathing shakily, trying to time deep breaths with the movement of my hands, up and down, in and out. I squeeze my eyes shut, trapping the tears before they fall. I avert my gaze before I open them again. I can't look, I need to get out of here. I stand up in a rush, half hobbling, half falling on my way to the door. I wrench it open and stagger over to the garden overlook and sag against the balustrade. Cool night air touches my face and I sigh. I am thankful for the dark night. I don't think I could face a beautiful Thessian sunrise. _How do I carry this memory along with the beauty of life going on? How do those things both exist? Shit. Come on Shepard, it happened a long time ago, and you only just remembered it. Her face, her beautiful face. Mother... Anna._

I gasp and shudder as I remember opening my eyes after the shot, seeing her face. I squeeze my eyes shut and can see them both laying there, somehow looking at me, unrecognisable, destroyed. _Because of me._ I shake my head, knees giving out so I slump to the ground, bunching a hand in my shirt, squeezing, pulling it tight into my chest. Clutching the fabric into a tight fist I drive my knuckles into my chest, punching in time with the traitor beneath. I feel like my heart should hurt, I want it to. _They died for me, because of me._ My teeth grind and pop, my shoulders quiver, nails drawing blood in my palms as I feel my entire body tightening and shivering. _Physical pain heals, but this? How am I supposed to live with this? How does this feeling ever go away?_ Suddenly nauseous I turn and fall back against the wall, drooping my head between my knees, one hand clenched in my hair, the other still clutching at my shirt.

My heart is pounding and I can feel a clammy sweat all over my skin, the night air giving me goose bumps where it caresses me. Caress... I remember the feel of my mother's hands on my face. I focus on the memory and can see her looking down at me, her palm against my cheek, warm and soft as she leans down and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes at the contact, and when I open them, it is Anna looking down at me. She has her hand on my face, in the same place, but her hand is cooler, and rougher from her military life. She smiles at me, and I smile back weakly. I stare into her eyes, the clear cobalt of a cloudless sky, and not for the first time I note that for a colour that is so often associated with coldness, that they make my soul feel like it's on fire. A low sorrowful moan escapes my lips. She speaks and I smile sadly, closing my eyes again at her voice, soft and melodic, but with a hint of sultriness. "Are you alright?"

I frown. The memory does not quite fit. Anna's voice may have been sultry when she wanted, but no one would ever accuse her of being melodic in anything. I remember the first time she tried to sing happy birthday to me. I drew blood biting my lip trying not to laugh at how terribly off key she was. My eyes shoot open and I gasp and flinch back against the railing. _Well shit. Of course._ I am looking at the asari from the other day. The one that apparently made an impression on me. The one who is now crouched down next to me... _How does she make even that look graceful..._ looking at me like I'm about to have a heart attack. _Well, if you were wondering if you made an impression on her you sure as hell have now._ I realise I am staring at her and have not responded when she glances away, clearly uncomfortable. I clear my throat and put my hands down beside my hips, pushing up on to my knees. She stands... _glides..._ back up when she realises my intention, and steps back.

I push up, completely forgetting about my leg, and nearly crash straight back down, but she steps in and catches me. I'm surprised at how strong she is, considering how small her shoulder feels under my hand. She has one hand on my elbow, and the other around my waist, holding me to her and I am painfully aware that we are pressed together from the hips up. I wonder if she can feel my heart start its drumming again. I'm close enough that I can hear her swallow, and I can't help but turn and breathe her in, soft and sweet like honeysuckle and fresh mountain air. As my lungs fill the weight bearing down on me lifts and the world falls away; her delicate collarbone beneath my fingers, soft breasts pressed against mine, and sweet smell the only things that matter anymore.

She shifts slightly and my eyes snap wide. I quickly shuffle my good leg under me and step back. I don't want to let her go. She's like the eye of the hurricane, and I don't want to step back into the storm. _And you're a weird human having a meltdown._ _On her._ My shoes are suddenly the most interesting thing I have ever seen. "Thank." I stop in horror at the squeak that comes out. I quickly clear my throat. "Um, thank you. And, uh, sorry. About. Falling for yo... I mean falling on you."

My hand creeps up to the back of my neck and I hope to every and any god out there that she cannot see how red my face has gone. _Shiiiiiit._

She coughs and laughs nervously. "It is quite alright. It would have been rude to let you fall."

_Yeah, but not rude to stand there sniffing you like a weirdo_. I laugh too. "Yeah. I guess."

I cringe. _Smooth Shepard. Really smooth._ I sigh. I look back up at her and clench my teeth. _Damn if she is not just the... just stop Shepard. She just found you tripping out on the hallway floor. You're in no fit state to. To what? Make a friend? Yeah you tell that low-down tickle all it wants is to be her friend. You're here until the Alliance either kicks you out or you go into N training. There's no point. Just. Gather up what's left of your pride and get away from her._

"Thanks for checking on me." I motion toward the floor. "Not my best moment." I smile softly, remembering. I take a punt. "How did your presentation go?"

Her eyes widen. "How did you?"

I shake my head. "I didn't. I just know that you looked terrified the other day, and had a bunch of reports in your hands." I pause for a moment. "Although I guess the terror could have been me." 

She blushes. "You are mostly correct. I was going to a funding proposal panel. I was terrified. Of it." She smiles coyly. "Mostly."

A laugh escapes before I contain it with my hand. I smile at her, drinking her in for a moment, then blow out a soft breath. "Ok, well, I'm going to go before I embarrass myself again. I hope you get your approval."

She smiles back and nods. "Thank you."

I turn and start limping down the corridor, mentally kicking myself for forgetting to grab my cane.

"Wait." I stop and turn at her call. She is standing in the middle of the corridor, fidgeting. "I... Well, I... What is your name?"

I bite my lip to control the flush that sweeps through me. I grin. "My name is Sam."

She smiles coyly at me again. "Hello Sam. I am Liara."

I feel my grin widen into a lopsided smile. "Pleased to meet you Liara."

I dip in an awkward bow, and I hear her giggle softly. I straighten back up, still smiling, then turn and continue on my way. _Shepard... you are so fucked._

\--

"Yes mother, I got here fine." Liselle rolls her eyes at the screen on her omnitool. She sees her mother narrow her eyes in return.

"And you're in the program?"

Liselle nods. "Yes, I am in the Valkyrie program. I start next week."

Aria nods in return. "Good. As sickeningly uptight that place is, some of my best commandos went through that program. " She catches Liselle with a look. "You will be the best of them."

Liselle nods again. "Yes mother."

Aria seems appeased. "Anything of note to report? Has anyone linked you?"

Liselle coughs and looks away.

"What?" Liselle shudders at the growl.

"I may have slipped up." She looks back and cringes at the glare being levelled at her. "I told someone my name."

It was Aria's turn to roll her eyes. "Seriously Liselle?"

Liselle cuts over her hurriedly. "It's ok, it was a human, there was no one else there and I don't think she recognised the name anyway."

Aria's eyes turn suspicious. "There's a human there?"

Liselle nods slowly. "Yeah, from the Alliance. Looks like she's enrolled here too." She drifts off, thinking back on the incident in the shower block. She was so shocked to see the human again, and then she had registered that she was naked, and had frozen. Thankfully the human hadn't noticed her at first and she had a moment to admire the way her muscles had rippled beneath her skin, until her brain had finally caught up with her and she'd noticed the scars. The human was covered in them, some raised and red, others spidery white lines, but wherever she looked she found evidence of them. She had gasped, and given herself away.

"Liselle."

At her mother's word she snaps out of the memory, and feels a blush creep across her face at the realisation that she had been daydreaming about a human in front of her mother. She clears her throat. "Yes?"

Aria rolls her eyes again. "What is it with you and aliens?"

She chuckles and shrugs.

"Are there any other humans there?"

"No."

"What's her name?"

"Why?"

"You don't think a single human from the Alliance being enrolled at an asari university is strange?"

Liselle shrugs again. "A bit." She remembers how surprised the human had been at her request to see her again. "I think. I'm not sure what I think. I don't think she's a threat though." She looks out her window and starts when she sees the object of her musing limping down a corridor, seeming to lean on the railing every step. She remembers the straight back and smooth movements on the shuttle, and takes in the slumped shoulders and stuttering gait now. Something has happened. Liselle is suddenly overcome with the urge to go check on her.

"Mother, I have to go."

"What? Why? Is it that damned human? You still haven't told me who she is."

Liselle stands, pulling a jacket on over her night shirt.

"Her name is Sam Shepard. She's the one who survived that nasty thresher maw attack on that human colony. I have to go mother, I'll call you again next week."

Aria tries to speak again, but Liselle cuts her off, flinching a little. I'll pay for that later she thinks. She shrugs to herself. Right now, I need to go.

\--

Aria stares at the blank screen where her daughter has just hung up on her. With a huff she closes it down and flicks open an extranet page, finding articles about the human within moments. She skims through the information, impressed with the human's survival ability, but finding nothing that tells her why she was on Thessia. Finally, she reaches a picture, and stops. A young Lieutenant Shepard looks back at her from a file photo, dark hair neatly pulled back beneath her cap, intense eyes staring into the camera, an almost defiant cut to her jaw. She chuckles and shakes her head again, laughing at Liselle's inevitable infatuation. She notices the scars cutting through an eyebrow and chin and ponders. A threat? Maybe not. But she didn't get to be the Queen of Omega without controlling risks.

"Linaya." A dark blue asari in full commando leathers melts from the shadows.

"Yes Aria?"

"I need you to go to Thessia."

\--

I bring up my omnitool, checking the map quickly as I walk. I rub my fingers together, they still tingle where they touched Liara. I smile to myself again, though I'm pretty sure I haven't stopped. I laugh and shake my head. _What is wrong with you?_ The breeze picks up, chilling the sticky sweat on my skin and goose bumps lift all over my body and I shiver. Damn it, I left my hoodie in Selana's office as well. _Should I go back?_ I shiver again, and I'm not sure if it's from the cold. _You'll have to go back there soon enough. That was just the beginning, remember._ I run my hand along my collarbone, feeling the bruises from the meltdown Liara saved me from. _There's going to be more of where that came from._

My shoulders sag from the weight settling back on them again, and I'm suddenly aware of the ache in my leg, and it almost gives out on the next step. I catch myself on the railing, leaning down and rubbing and flexing my knee. I need to get back to my room, but now I'm not sure I can make it the distance. _One step at a time Shepard. You've made it further in a worse state than this._ I start forward again gingerly, using the railing in place of my cane. _You could go back and see if Liara is still there, ask if she would walk you back._ I smile a little at the thought, but I know I won't do it. _Still, some company would be nice._ I can feel the memory pulling at me again. Tonight, is going to be a bad night. I keep limping forward, not looking up at the corridor that feels like it's stretching on forever.

"Sam!"

I stumble a little at the sound of my name, and stop. _Liara?_

"Shepard?"

I look around, trying to find the source, as best I can while still clinging to the railing. Finally, Liselle trots up beside me, and I let out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding. "Liselle?"

She looks at me, and her eyes tell me I look exactly as terrible as I feel. "Hey. You look like you could use some help?"

I laugh wryly. "That obvious huh." I shuffle and my leg throbs in protest, and I grip the railing harder to stop it folding underneath me. I sigh and look back at Liselle.

She nods and steps close, slipping an arm around my waist while I wrap an arm around her shoulders. "You're freezing! Aren't humans warmer than asari?"

I nod as a shiver runs through me. "Yeah, usually."

We start walking slowly, and a contented sigh escapes my lips when she almost completely takes the weight from my bad leg.

"Why are you so cold to touch then?"

My voice quavers as my teeth start to chatter. "Be... because the wind is c... cold and I... I... I don't feel well."

Liselle stops and leans me against a wall. "Wh... what are you do... doing?" I chatter.

I wrap my arms around myself and drop my chin to my chest. Suddenly I am exhausted, like the cold has sapped the last of my strength, and I feel myself fading even as I stand shivering. A hand on my shoulder brings me back, but it's a fight to clear the fog starting to overtake my brain. Liselle pulls me forward and I realise she has taken her jacket off and is trying to put it around my shoulders. "It's ok, you'll get cold," I mumble.

She puts her hand on my chin and pulls my face up and I look at her, blinking rapidly, but my eyelids are still heavy. "I'm fine. Just, let me help you Sam."

I look away and clench my teeth to stop them clattering.

"There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes. And, I'd like to be your friend. So, please. Let me help."

My chest tightens at the softness of her voice, and I close my eyes, reaching out to her. I feel worry and concern, and... care. _Why?_ I swallow heavily as tears threaten again. Slowly I nod, unwrapping my arms so she can slide the sleeves on. She zips the jacket up and laughs softly at how loosely it hangs. "Not much to you, is there?" She slips back under my arm and starts walking me forward again.

"N... no. Lost weight, a... after Akuze." I can barely see ahead of me, and I give up trying and let my head drop. "Do... do you know to go?"

She shifts under my arm, and I feel her dip, then an arm under my legs as she hoists me into her arms.

"Wh... what are you doing?"

"This will be faster, I was basically carrying you anyway. And yes, I know where to go. Don't worry. I've got you."

I frown and want to protest, but I know my leg is not going to support me, and I don't have the energy to fight. My cheeks burn with embarrassment. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. I want to help. When I get you back, what do I need to do?"

My eyes flutter closed. "Warm. I need to get warm."

As if punctuating my point, I shiver again, and Liselle pulls me tighter to her chest. It drains me of the last of my willpower and I let my head fall against her chest, the steady beat of her heart reminding me of better times and lulling me to sleep.

\--

Liselle looks down at the human in her arms, her brow creased with concern. She can still feel the shivers wracking her body, but she doesn't respond when Liselle speaks her name. She walks faster, trying not to jostle Shepard, and can't help pulling her more tightly to her chest. She can't shake the feeling that she is missing something. Earlier when she had stopped to take her jacket off she had felt a presence, soft and gentle, but there. She'd looked at Shepard, but she had her head down, much like now, and had given no indication of noticing. Liselle had opened her mind cautiously, and had been hit by a wave of pain and confusion that took her breath away. Before she could respond the presence had pulled back, taking with it the wave of emotion. A moment later Shepard had nodded, and opened her arms for help.

Finally, she gets to the residential hall, fumbling with the pressure pad in her haste. She walks up the stairs to the main level, and stops. Liselle doesn't know which room is hers. Shepard's head has tipped forward against her chest, and her hair tickles Liselle's nose "Sam? Shepard?"

She shakes the human lightly, but she doesn't respond. She flares her biotics to take the human's weight so she can use a hand to lift her chin. Shepard's head falls back, and Liselle gasps at the sight of blood streaming from her nose. It coats her lips and chin and she can see a trail down the front of her shirt. "Shit! Shepard!"

She shakes the human roughly, and her head flops back and forth, but there is no response. "Goddess damn it!" Liselle looks around, contemplating. "Ok, I guess you're coming back to my room." Keeping Shepard in a lift field she turns and heads up to the next level, thankful for the late hour so she doesn't have to explain. She gets to her room and slaps at the door roughly, starting to panic at Shepard's lack of response. She manoeuvres her inside and lowers her gently on to her bed. "What now?" Liselle remembers Shepard's comment from earlier, and rushes to get a blanket from her closet. She wraps it around the human, tucking it in tightly. She opens her closet and grabs her leathers and checks the field pouches for a tube of medigel, sighing with relief when she finds one. She goes back over to the bed, grabbing a shirt to wipe some of the blood away, before squeezing the medigel out onto Shepard's face. Shepard's hair is stuck to her forehead and Liselle pushes it back, finally noticing the sweat that has plastered it to her, and the paleness of her face beneath it.

The medigel soaks in and the blood slows, and Liselle sags with relief. Now what? She gently tugs Shepard's arm out from under the blanket and pulls up her omnitool. She opens the messages, only two are listed. One from a David Anderson, and one from Matriarch Selana. She blinks at the human in surprise. She's friends with a Matriarch? She skims the message and blinks again. Enough to sleep on her couch? She shakes her head, and dials the number. She's wondering if the Matriarch is going to answer, when finally, a groggy voice comes through the comm. "Sam?"

"No. Well, yes, kind of. I found Sam walking back to the dorms."

There's rustling at the other end. "Is she alright?"

"I'm not sure. I got her back to my room, but she was shivering and started bleeding on the way. I had to carry her back."

"Goddess. Where are you?"

"Room 12B, in the Athame Wing."

"On my way."

Liselle presses a hand against the human's cheek, feeling that it is still cold. She sits down against the head board, pulling the human against her, tucking the blanket in more tightly around her while she waits. It's not long before she hears a light knock at the door. "Come in."

Matriarch Selana steps in, scanning the room, taking in Liselle, before she notices Shepard tucked down beside her. "Goddess!" She rushes over, opening her omnitool and running a scan. "She's still too cold, we need to warm her up."

Liselle gets up as Selana pulls at the blanket, running her hands down Shepard's arms, taking a hand in hers. "She's still sweating. Her shirt will be wet, we need to get it off her. Have you got something we can put her in?"

Liselle nods and rushes over to her closet, pulling out a long sleeved under shirt and the thickest pullover she has. "These?"

Selana looks over and nods. "Yes, good. Help me with her."

Together they sit Shepard up, unzipping Liselle's jacket and pulling it off before stripping off her soaked shirt. Selana freezes at the sight, her fingers resting on the bruises across her chest. "I'm sorry Shepard. I should have stayed with you."

"Matriarch?"

Selana looks up guiltily. "Shepard had a session with me today. I knew she was struggling with it, but I thought she would sleep through the night." She traces the bruises. "I should have stayed with her, made sure she didn't do anything like this."

They wrestle the undershirt and pullover onto Shepard's limp form, then lay her back down and wrap her in the blanket again. Selana sighs and leans against Liselle's desk. "Matriarch?"

Selana looks up. "Matriarch Selana. You are?"

"Liselle."

Selana nods. "You're a friend of Shepard's?"

"Kind of. We only just met. I'd like to be."

Selana nods again. "She was surprised at the notion I'm sure."

It's Liselle's turn to nod. She looks back at Shepard. "I didn't think humans slept that heavily? I mean, when we moved her around, she didn't stir at all."

Selana looks thoughtful. "You may be right. Hmm I wonder..." She walks back over to Shepard, studying her intently, before reaching under the blanket and pinching her arm. There is no response. "Shepard," she calls as she lightly taps her face. She is still studying her face closely when Liselle clears her throat.

"Should, uhhh, should one of us try a sleep meld?"

Selana shakes her head vehemently. "Absolutely not."

"I know it's frowned upon, but..."

"No, you misunderstand. It's too dangerous." She fixes Liselle with a hard look, and Liselle can't help but step back at it. "Promise that you will never try a sleep meld with her. I'd suggest being cautious about melds when she's conscious too."

Liselle swallows and nods. Selana nods and looks back at Shepard. Slowly she reaches down and pulls one of her eyelids back, letting it go, before waving Liselle over. Liselle walks and leans over cautiously. "This is what I mean."

With that she reaches up and lifts both eyelids, revealing Shepard's pitch-black eyes. Liselle jumps back. "What the fuck? She's trying to meld with one of us?" She runs her hands over her crest. "I can't feel anything." She stops when she sees Selana shaking her head. "So, it was her I felt earlier."

Selana looks at her questioningly. "When I found her outside. I asked to help her, and I felt something, like the gentlest meld entry I've ever felt. When I accepted it I felt pain? And confusion. And then it was gone."

Selana is nodding. "Yes, I felt her too. She doesn't know what she is doing though, she just thinks she gets 'vibes' from people."

"How?"

Selana shrugs. "Not entirely sure yet. But the meld is a function of our biotics, so it stands to reason that a biotic from another species could develop the ability. They just don't usually try."

"So why has she?"

Selana points back at her eyes. "She uses it on herself." Suddenly her eyes go wide. "Goddess! I know what's happening." She casts about suddenly.

Liselle jumps up. "What? What's happening? What are you looking for?"

"Do you have any biotic dampeners?"

Liselle is incredulous. "What?!"

Selana pulls Shepard's arm back out from under the blanket and fires up her omnitool. "She's an engineer, she'll have a damping field on here. It will give us time." She starts typing, her eyes lighting up when she finds what she is after.

Liselle lunges forward and grabs her arm. "What. Are. You. Doing?"

"I helped her uncover some memories today, memories that she has suppressed. I think she has used her biotics to suppress them. I think this is related to why she seems to be able to initiate shallow melds. I also think uncovering the memory has triggered her suppression reaction again, which is why she had such a strong physical reaction, and won't wake up. I think we need to cut off her biotics to stop her, or we're back to square one, as the humans say."

Liselle stares at Shepard as Selana speaks, the pieces slowly falling into place. She looks up at Selana, then steps clear. "Ok. Do it."

Selana angles the omnitool at Shepard and presses the button, a green field shimmers across Shepard's body, then fades. Both asari hold their breath as they wait. Suddenly Shepard's eyes snap open, staring straight ahead, honey brown and emerald haze. Liselle lets out her breath in relief, just as Shepard draws her own breath, and screams.

 

 


	6. What may be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things always look different in the morning, even on Thessia.

_To: E Shajin_

_From: H Keburo_

_Subj: I made it!_

_Father, I got in! I can't believe it, I'm actually in the Valkyrie program. And my friend from Omega got in too, I can't wait to have class with her. I've met some of the other girls from the program too, Tayxa, Kyarin and Jeunna. They seem really nice, and we're going to try and work together. I haven't seen my friend since I arrived, but I know she's here. I heard she's made friends with a human â€“ can you believe it, there's a human here. I can't wait to get the gossip and tell you all about it. I miss you. Once I'm settled in, maybe you could come visit?_

_Anyway, the girls want to go and practise in the simulator, so I'm going to go with them. I'll message you again next week._

_Xx_

_H_

 

Eris leans back in her chair, contemplating the report in front of her, a faint smile ghosting across her lips. Her decision to place Helisima in charge of the operation was definitely correct. She smiles to herself again as she stands and makes her way over to the window, stopping to pour a finger of ice brandy, sipping it slowly as she watches the sunrise. Her previous review of the university calendar tells her that classes begin the following week, likely the first opportunity for Helisima to make close contact, although she is pleased that she has begun gathering intelligence already. There is a human there, perhaps another contact from Omega. She ponders â€“ an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone? Eris laughs softly at her remembrance of the human idiom. For such a violent and short-lived species, the humans have a poetry about their language that no other species manages, she thinks. She breathes deeply, the deep reds of the sunrise, the sweet tang of the brandy swirling across her tongue, adding to her satisfaction and she loses herself in the moment. Eventually she finishes her brandy, the sun finally rises above the horizon, changing from deep red to apricot, another perfect day in Serrice. She turns from the window, setting her glass down and heading back to her desk.

 

_To: H Keburo_

_From: E Shajin_

_Subj: re: I made it!_

_Wow, I'm so proud of you honey! Though you know I always believed you had what it took. It's good to hear you've made some new friends, some of mine from university became some of the most loyal and trusted people in my life, I hope you find the same. I'm happy your friend from Omega made it too â€“ I know you were upset when you thought you may not see her again. Hopefully you can catch up with her soon, make sure you ask her about the family. It's been an age since I saw her mother. What's this about a human though â€“ I've not heard of a human going to Serrice before? I look forward to hearing more soon. Then we can talk about a visit._

_Have fun honey_

_Xx_

_Dad_

 

Eris closes the terminal and crosses to the bookcase, pulling out her book on human mythology. She saunters over to top up her brandy, then settles on the day bed in front of the window. She has work to do, but for now she is intent on enjoying a smooth operation. She smiles softly to herself again as she flips the book to her last place.

_The Trojan war and the city of Troy..._

\--

I wake slowly, nestled in a warm cocoon, and I don't want to move. The breeze blows the branches of the Lojah trees outside and sunlight dances across my face, and I realise this is what has woken me. I try to swallow, but my tongue is thick and sticky, glued to the roof of my mouth. I swallow, my throat clicking and rasping. Â I open my eyes to find them puffy and sore, and when a finger of light traces across them it is like a knife stroke, and I scrunch them shut again, a hoarse groan escaping my lips. I turn away from the light, feeling the painful pull across my shoulders, the dull throb at the base of my skull, the heaviness of my limbs. Â Oh god, I really don't want to get up now.

As I move a body next to me stirs, and I realise some of the heaviness is an arm and leg thrown across me. I freeze, licking my cracked lips as I slowly roll my head toward the source of my warmth. I sneak one eye open briefly, before snapping it shut again. _Liselle. Thank god, it's not some random asari. Wait._ I sneak a hand up to lift the blanket covering me and sneak a glance down. Ok, I'm clothed, she's clothed. I remember her carrying me back to the dorms, and my cheeks burn. _I just need to get up and get out of here before I lose the last of my dignity. Send her a thank you, and then hide and hope this all blows over. Time to put that Alliance training to work Shepard._

Cautiously, keeping an eye slitted open and on Liselle's face, breathing peacefully beside me, I slide a leg out from under the blanket, and across to the edge of the bed, letting it hang over, my toes just touching the floor. Still watching Liselle I reach out to grab the side of the bed with my hand, and flexing it along with my leg, I slowly and smoothly pull myself out from under her. I grit my teeth at the effort, aching muscles screaming in protest, but gradually I detach, finally sliding off the bed completely.

Pushing onto my haunches I look around the room. Not mine. Of course, she didn't know your room number. Blowing out a breath I take a moment to press my palms into my eyes, willing the knives in them to recede long enough for me to move. I turn and half crawl to the small desk, grabbing the ledge, take a half breath, and haul. I slap my other hand over my mouth to stifle the cry that escapes, my head pounds in time with my heartbeat and spots dance in my eyes. I stay like this until the world stops spinning, breathing as slowly and quietly as I can manage. I chance a look back at Liselle and see she is still sleeping. I tilt my head to the roof in silent thanks, then move forward gingerly to find my boots. I see them tucked at the end of the bed and bite my lip. Taking a deep breath and holding I bend and pull them out, the pounding blacking out my vision momentarily, and I feel light headed. I shuffle back to the desk and lean on it, squashing my feet into my boots as quickly as I can. I turn and start toward the door, checking Liselle hasn't moved one last time, before stepping out.

\--

Liselle opens her eyes when she hears the door click shut and sighs. She had expected Shepard to run at some point, but had hoped to convince her to at least stay for breakfast. She had heard the heavy breathing and the muffled cries as Shepard moved, her chest constricting at each noise, every ounce of her will focussed toward remaining still, when all she wanted to do was leap from the bed and stop the stubborn human. As soon as Shepard started trying to sneak out she knew it wouldn't be accepted, so she stayed still. She reaches up and rubs her eyes, contemplating if she should just let her go. She knows Shepard won't come back without prompting.

She could just focus on her training, and then go back to Omega, goddess knows her mother wouldn't expect that, and surprising Aria is definitely one of her favourite past times. Liselle pulls the blanket off, sitting up and looking out the window. She could do that, but she doesn't want to. She looks at the Omega tattoo on her wrist, small and tucked on the underside, unnoticed by most, a glaring brand to her. The pirate Queen's daughter, studying to take over the family business. She shudders. Presiding over the constant turf war that is Omega has never been her dream.

She drifts into her favourite daydream, walking into a classroom on the Citadel, a dozen sets of small eyes jumping up in excitement as she enters. She traces the tattoo with a finger. Such a small mark, but it may as well be a shackle. Her whole life has been spent either hiding the fact that she is Aria T'Loak's daughter, or being treated differently because of it. Protected and smothered or sought out and seduced. She looks back out the window.

Except with Shepard. She could have kicked herself for her slip up when they met, and her heart had sunk at the flash of recognition in the human's eyes. But then she had nodded and ignored it; no mention had been made since. Liselle smiled wryly, considering the events of last night, she can't pretend that it would be something at the forefront of Shepard's mind. Pulling up her omnitool she tapped out a quick message; regardless of the reasons, Shepard was the first person in a long time that had made her feel seen for herself, and she was damned if she was going to walk away from that.

_Shepard, its Liselle. What's your room number, I have a favour to ask. I'll bring coffee?_

\--

Selana woke up with a start, sitting up from the couch, blinking sleepily. She looked over the top to see Kel coming over, stopping to bend and kiss her on the crest. "You slept down here babe?"

Selana rubs her eyes and nods. "I got back late, I didn't want to wake you."

Kel walks to the kitchen, setting some tea to brew before coming back and sitting down, pulling Selana against her. "Everything ok?"

Selana starts to nod, and stops. "I'm really not sure Kel." She strokes Kel's thigh softly as she thinks.

"The human?"

Selana nods. "Yes. I think this will be more difficult than the brief indicated. The first meld revealed more than I think either of us expected, and she did not cope well. I got a call late last night from one of the students here who had found her wandering the halls looking dazed. She got her back to her room, but Shepard passed out. By the time I got there she was actively trying to suppress the memories again and we had to restrain her."

"Restrain?"

"Biotic dampening."

Kel's eyes go wide. "Lana..."

"I know. It was terrible." She runs her hands across her crest and down her face. "The screams Kel." She shakes her head. "We took turns holding her until she wore herself out."

Kel gets up and goes back to the kitchen, returning with two mugs, passing one over. Selana smiles her thanks, sipping slowly. "Are you going to pass her to a colleague?"

Selana looks at her in surprise. "Why would I do that?"

Kel looks at her steadily. "Lana. Why did you go there last night? Why not call the nurse?"

Selana frowns and looks away, watching the sunlight dappling and dancing along the window ledge. "This is different Kel."

Kel puts her tea down, leaning forward to pull Selana's face around to hers, kissing her softly. "Lana. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

She pulls their foreheads together, eyes flashing back, slipping them into memory.

_Kel getting home from work, calling Selana's name, getting no response. Finding her in her office, files open but staring into space, the stench of alcohol thick in the air._

_Watching Selana undressing for bed, noticing her clumsiness stepping out of her skirt, ribs poking out as she bends, the blue that seems unique to her pale and wan._

_Preparing Selana's favourite dinner for their anniversary, watching her pick at it, staring at nothing, not saying a single word until eventually it gets to her and she rushes upstairs to hide the tears. Hearing Selana coming up, then saying she would sleep downstairs, before disappearing._

Selana pulls her head back and breaks the meld. She looks up to see tears swimming in Kel's eyes. "I only just got you back Lana."

Selana takes her hands, rubbing her fingers softly. "I know."

Kel breathes deeply. "I can't go through that again Lana."

Selana nods. "I know."

Kel pulls her hands back. "You're going to keep seeing her."

Selana nods again. She picks at a thread on her dress. "It's my chance to atone Kel. I need to do this. And she needs me."

Tears stream down Kel's face. "I. Need. You."

Selana takes her face in her hands, kissing each cheek, the tang of salt touching her tongue. "And I'm here. It will be different this time. I'm different. So are you. So is she."

She stops and kisses Kel softly, deepening the kiss when Kel leans into her. She breaks to start kissing her way down Kel's throat, fingers moving to stroke the base of her crest. Kel tilts her head back, giving her space as she grabs the front of Selana's dress, pulling her in close. "It is going to be hard, but I'm not going to risk losing you again. Please Kel. I need you too."

She nips at the junction of Kel's throat and shoulder and is rewarded with a soft sigh, before she pushes her back on the couch. Selana looks down at her lover, her cheeks dusky with arousal, looking at her with a mix of lust and love in her eyes. Kel blinks and sighs. "And I'm here." She smiles softly, and pulls on Selana's dress. "Now get back down here."

\--

I sit at the edge of the lake, bare feet and legs with rolled pants dangling in the water. The cold makes the ache in my leg manageable. I am thankful that I found my headphones in my pocket when I left Liselle's, and I have music playing as I watch the ripples play across the surface, the fish dancing below oblivious to the touch, or the hairs it raises on my neck when it reaches me. I can feel the tension sitting at the base of my neck, and I blink to a flash of sand, decay in my nose, before returning to the water.

I reach down and turn the music up another notch, eyebrows wrinkling as my ears start to hurt. Better than thinking Shepard. You can't sit out here forever. I swirl a foot in the water when I feel a fish come, its tail flicking my toes as it dashes away. No, but the music helps, and I can take that anywhere. I just need to hold it together long enough to see Selana again. Get her to put it right. I stare at my feet in the water, bent oddly in refraction, pale white, the nails blueing from the cold. A shadow shimmers across the water at the edge of sight and I look up to see Liara standing a few metres away, looking at me hesitantly. I straighten up and smile, pulling my headphones out. "Hey Liara."

She smiles. "Hello Sam."

She takes a small step forward and I realise she is waiting for permission. I wave her over. "Come pull up a rock. Or dirt patch."

I pat the ground next to me. She laughs softly, but walks over more confidently. She stops and squats down, scanning before choosing a spot right beside me. I try not to smile too widely at her selection. She sits, crossing her legs, before looking up at me. I laugh and shake my head. "You're not doing it right."

I point at my feet, her eyes following my hand and widening. "Must I?"

I nod solemnly. She looks at me suspiciously, but uncoils her legs and pulls off her shoes. Gingerly she rolls the skirt of her dress to her knees, and I intently study the horizon beyond her, eyes flicking to take in her smooth skin and delicate ankle before I drag them away again. The blush on her cheek tells me she caught me, and I feel my own rising in return, but she says nothing, instead scooting forward to dip her toes in the water. She squeaks, and I quickly turn away to hide my smile. "Sam, it's freezing!"

I school my face into a mask of solemnity again and turn back. "Not to me it's not."

Her eyes go wide again, and she looks at my feet intently. I bite my lip. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Do human feet usually have blue toes?" she looks at me, her expression so earnest I reach out and touch her cheek before I know what I am doing. "God you're adorable."

She jerks back at the touch, her cheeks colouring again. _No, no, no, fix it fool!_

"Uhhh I'm so sorry about that. I just, I was teasing, and I didn't think you'd take it seriously, but in hindsight I suppose it makes sense, because of the different species thing, but uhhh, anyway you looked really sweet when you looked up."

I stop as I run out of air, my face burning. I rub my neck and clear my throat. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touched you. I wasn't thinking."

I look away, grinding my teeth. _That was smooth._ I close my eyes and breathe slowly. _Just, be quiet and wait._ Eventually I feel a cool hand touch my cheek. I open my eyes and turn back. "Your skin is very soft."

I smile. "So's yours."

She pulls her hand back and looks out over the water. I look at her profile, the soft slope of nose, long lashes, full lips, before I catch myself again and look out over the water too. "What brings you down here?"

"To the lake?"

I nod. "I used to come down here most days when I studied here. I wanted to come and see it again before..."

My chest constricts. "Before you leave?"

She looks to her lap, before looking back at me. "Yes."

I swallow, but muster the best smile I can. "You got your grant."

She smiles. "Yes. I was advised this morning."

"That's really great Liara. Congratulations."

"Thank you." She catches my eye and my breath catches in my throat. I look away.

"When do you leave?"

"When I finish here."

"How long will you be gone?"

"I expect for about a galactic standard year."

The lightness that takes over me whenever Liara is near crumbles, and I feel the weight bearing back down on me, shoulders starting to bow. "Pass me your omnitool for a second."

She looks confused, but unstraps it, passing it over. I sync it to mine and start a quick copy program, before handing it back. She looks at me expectantly. "I just copied my drone program for you. If you're cataloguing data in the field, it can work as an assistant to you. It can also be used to shock enemies in combat, in a pinch."

I smile and reach up to touch her cheek again. "Consider it a farewell and good luck gift."

She stares at me for a moment, before leaning in and kissing me softly on the cheek, honeysuckle filling my senses again. "Thank you, Sam."

I nod. She looks at me for a long moment before lifting her feet out of the water, shaking them off and slipping her shoes back on. She stands... _glides..._ to her feet, and pauses. "Will you. I mean. I'd like it if we could write each other."

I smile up at her. "Of course."

Her smile widens for a moment. "Thank you. Well. I need to get going. I'll talk to you soon then."

I nod again. "Take care Liara."

I watch her walk away, committing the sway of her hips, her shy glance back to memory, before reaching down and activating my omnitool. I wait until she looks up to send the pulse to her omni, deleting the contact card. I turn and look at the card on my own omnitool, tears tracking down my cheeks as I delete it.

I put my headphones back in, turning them up another notch, staring out at the water, waiting for the sun to set, and this day to be over.

 

 

 


End file.
